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The Process of Growing Up
I’m struggling.
I am so grateful I met you. You go along in life and suddenly you meet someone that makes you feel completely in place with the whole universe. Everything suddenly feels fresh and new. All of those timeless moments I spent with you, I will always treasure. Though you don’t feel the same way, how could I ever want to go back and change things to where I do not meet you? Again, I am thankful.
Love happens. It does not matter where I go. Wherever I end up, there could always potentially be a person who strikes me. If it’s just a visit to the grocery store, the feelings fade quick. But when I get an idea of who you are as a person and I understand you’re here to stay, I don’t want anything to change. I want to stay exactly where I’m at, with you. That might be dangerous, because life is everything but static. When the time comes for us to leave each others’ lives, it’ll be for the best. You don’t feel the same way and I need to find someone who can love me back. But right now in this confusing as fuck time of my life, you’re the only thing that really makes sense to me.
Sometimes I worry that I’m not made to fit in this world. Maybe not this world (as some of what I’ve seen is fucking extraordinary), but this society. How I live my life apart from my parents, being totally dependent on myself, is not something that I can answer right now. All I know is that I want to enjoy myself and be able to provide. Most music ensembles are not doing that for me right now. I can’t stand Beethoven or Bach or whatever shit we play. I’d rather be listening or performing something I love. A piece for wind quintet, or in jazz band, or jamming with Radiohead. That’s what I enjoy. Make it regimented and forced and it starts to take itself seriously, and music of all things does NOT take itself seriously. My view is sort of adopted from Alan Watts’ view that angels fly because they take themselves lightly.
The truth is, right now is the only time there ever will be ever. It is practical to have a goal in mind. But how will that goal ever be enjoyed if you can’t enjoy a single thing right now? I obviously need to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do with my life but.. it’s just hard I guess. I don’t want to think that growing up needs to be so hard.
